Blessed is he that can laugh at himself, he will never cease to be amused.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it

Happy Fourth of July. No smarmy remarks today in honor of America's 229th birthday. Enjoy.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Oh for heavens sakes, Smithers, this is brain surgery, not rocket science . . . Now hand me that ice cream scoop. -- Montgomery Burns

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are good with words, and those who are...er... thingy.

I have a mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up into the air. Of course, you have to have low cellings for this method to work

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

Here goes nothin'

This blog will be dedicated to the little pearls of wisdom that I have gathered in my wanderings and some funny saying. Maybe there will even be a couple of memories from my crazy life. Most of these little jewels will not be my own however. For this reason, I will do my very best to take all the credit for myself , so unless I'm feeling very generous, there will be no citing of sources. Just pretend that I'm smart and enjoy what I've got to say...