Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it

Happy Fourth of July. No smarmy remarks today in honor of America's 229th birthday. Enjoy.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Oh for heavens sakes, Smithers, this is brain surgery, not rocket science . . . Now hand me that ice cream scoop. -- Montgomery Burns